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JOLENE

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disappointment
Thursday, December 14, 2017

when you have expectations, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

there is just so much hurt, disappointment and oppression one can take... the line between reason and madness grows thinner.

the sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfilment of that hope never entirely removes.

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practice
Tuesday, December 12, 2017

I haven't been practising with writing a lot recently - so pardon me if my writing just kinda deteriorated. I honestly don't know what to make out of my first semester of year two. It was quite eventful? But didn't really end off with a bang, seeing that I only had one paper to study for. It was more of a tapered, anti-climatic end. Which is kind of weird? But I'm not exactly complaining since I've seen my other friends slog their ass off studying for paper after paper during the finals period.

Now that school's out, dance is in and I just had my first practice yesterday. And oh my god, how my muscles ache and bones cracked. Like seriously, no joke. I haven't felt such muscle ache in a while now and it just hit my this morning when I struggled to get out of bed (lmao). I walk like a stick now because whenever I bend my joints it just aches everywhere - so keeping them straight with minimal bending minimises the pain well.

I've also kind of taken my hobby up a notch by selling cards online, and learning watercolouring now! It's kinda cool that I'm actually painting because I've always wanted to learn how to properly paint, but since young I've just been doing like little swishes here and there and calling it the sea. You know? So yeah I took the time during the study week and the first week of finals to play around with watercolouring and I really like how it has turned out so far. It definitely isn't something easy, and it requires a lot of practice, patience, and imagination to keep making beautiful pieces. I like a challenge though.

So yup that's my life so far. Not very interesting, I guess? But hey 2017 is coming to an end and I can't wait for Christmas to roll by!

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mixed feelings
Wednesday, November 15, 2017

what seemed so certain is now crumbling ever-so-slowly, bit by bit

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feelings

I looked up from my phone and my gaze fell onto three elderly men who were alighting the bus. Standing right at the exit, I had the perfect view of the antics of these men. Two of them had lanyard hung around their necks, with each of them taking either side of the exit. They carried nothing much - one was carrying a tote bag that was hung on his shoulder while the other was empty handed. Despite their age blatantly displayed by their greying hair, they were still teasing each other uncontrollably like primary school children. The poking, teasing slapping and the incessant laughter. When the doors swung open, they immediately tapped their cards against the reader and immediately dashed out to an impromptu race of who can reach their next destination.

I didn't know what to feel.

The last man - who didn't know the previous two men - was taking his time to alight. He kept his distance behind the two men and strolled slowly after alighting from the bus. As the door closed, my gaze was still fixated on the three men. The two who were still racing each other along the pavement, and the last one lagging behind them. Standing near the exit gave me a great vantage point, and my phone was soon forgotten. I saw the last man waving and beaming at someone - or something - and my eyes struggled to focus on what he was so enthusiastic about.

At the void deck probably 20 metres away, I saw a teacher urging a string of nursery toddlers to line up neatly in a row before they set off. The third man was waving so cheerily at the little kids that something just tugged deep in my heart.

I don't know why I felt such emotions stirring in me while I was just watching this scene unfold - two separate situations, and yet my heart ached for that moment. Up till now, I still have no clue on how exactly I should use words to describe those strong emotions that I felt at that instant. It was a combination of heartache, worry and bittersweet feelings all bundled and mashed up into one lump of intertwined mess and it was threatening to bubble over.

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loose ends
Sunday, November 12, 2017

With week 12 coming to an end and the last week of school starting, it feels like all the loose ends are slowly tied up. I am taking 5 mods this semester, and my oh my, the past three weeks have been hell.

I know I say that almost all the time, but in all honesty, it has really been that bad.

Week 11 was me gearing up for week 12, and week 12 for the presentations and week 13. As of the last day of week 12, which is coincidentally 12 November, I have basically completed all the project work preparations needed to be done and am counting down to the days of the presentations. We have already submitted the final two projects that are due in week 13, and I feel like the burden on my shoulders have been lifted.

Now all that's left would be to study for my finals that's on Tuesday and Friday, and to complete my Critical Thinking Assignment that's due on Friday.

Uni. Such a breeze. Not.

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