i've learnt that self-confidence makes or breaks someone.
over the conversations that i've had with ter over drinks, we came to a conclusion that self-confidence is something so inherently powerful - to the point where it can literally change someone's life for the better or worse.
well, i'm having a void of self-confidence. and the thing is, it's not even recent. it just has gotten more noticeable in the recent years, that's all. i remember clearly how my self-confidence crumbled (and i guess, that's how my education route got determined too). it was in primary school. i was used to doing tests and exams but i always lose points to careless mistakes. i recall my mum giving me a lecture on how i shouldn't be so confident, and always check after finishing a paper.
she said, "why is it that you always say the paper was okay but your results don't show it? look at all these careless mistakes! xxx (the name of a person) cried after her paper - but look at what she got! 94 points! and you? 72 points! why are you so confident?"
from then on, i told myself after every paper not to expect so much. when i get questioned about how my paper was, i will always shrug and say, "it wasn't very good." if my results came back with an A, perfect. a pleasant surprise. if I scored a B, i could tell myself, at least i wasn't expecting an A.
little by little, my self-confidence chipped. i stopped being so assertive and alpha too. i became a team player instead of a team leader, because my friends didn't like it when i was leading all the time. they hated it and felt i was bossy.
in secondary school, i took many steps back. no longer volunteering for the role of a leader, but just a simple team player. if i got assigned to doing a certain task, i'll just do it. no more pro-activeness. because, someone was always better than me and can get the job done. i didn't want to bear the burden of pulling the group down.
i guess that's where the pygmalion effect comes into play. no one believed in me, and i didn't believe in myself. everything went downhill from there.
fast forward to today, i'm not in a place where i'm proud of. i still feel ashamed of what i do. i dread meeting friends whom i've never met for years and when catching up and being asked, "so what are you working as now?", i will stumble over my words trying to justify my choice of career. it's not the prettiest, and not the most exciting.
today i just felt like my self-confidence was at a new low. no idea why; maybe my period's fast approaching. i was learning how to play league today, and needless to say - i sucked at it. i sucked at it so bad, that playing 4-5 times with the AI didn't even help me to improve. the number of last-kills i got were at a whopping 31 (my highest). then it made me think back about my driving test. how i scored an immediate failure even though i told myself that the stakes were high and $400 was riding on it. then it led me to think about others who passed it straight off the bat, first time.
then it spiraled to university choices. about how i'm not smart enough to be enrolled in NUS and chose my BATNA of NTU. somehow or rather, things never did seem to go my way. important, life-changing choices anyway. i don't think i've ever shared this with anyone, but my life-changing school choices were always a flop. in primary school, i wanted to go to dunman high, didn't make it, and went to chung cheng instead. in secondary school, i wanted to go to victoria. didn't make it, and went to serangoon jc instead. in jc, i wanted to go to NUS. didn't make it, went to NTU instead. it was just a path that went downhill. choice after choice, failure after failure. watching friends enjoying their uni lives to the fullest while i was stuck in ntu, incredibly salty.
my inferiority complex got worse as the years went by, and i guess right now it's slowly at its breaking point. i have never felt confident enough in anything. i'm not exceptionally good at anything, i'm just mediocre at most things. even after practice.
apart from the lack of self-confidence, i realised over the past one year that i didn't have any grit in me. it took a nasty comment that i heard from the grapevine for me to dawn upon this.
"that girl doesn't have any resilience."
it made me rethink my life choices that i took. did i really choose to get out because i just couldn't take hardship? i initially thought that the reason i left was because it was doing so much harm to me mentally, that i felt horrible everyday. i dreaded going to work, dreaded looking at my phone, dreaded to open my emails. i felt like my entire life revolved around work. my clients were nasty. they were rude. they insulted and reprimanded me like they would to a three year old - and i realised that i could not stay in such a toxic environment anymore. so i left.
but that comment made me think - if others could stay there for years and years, why couldn't i? why couldn't i just suck it up and stay there, then work myself up the ranks? was i going too easy on myself? am i the epitome of the strawberry generation?
there was never an avenue to share my thoughts like these in a while. it feels so angsty. but maybe because it is, and i've been bottling all these feelings inside of me for god knows how long, not knowing how to share those with friends because i think that they wouldn't understand. they are not facing such problems. they are in a different life stage from me. they don't have troubles or worries like that. they aren't mentally weak.
maybe i'm just bashing myself too hard tonight.
i don't know.
but these are my honest thoughts about myself. i never believed that i was a good friend, or a good anything. because i don't have much to offer.
i've learnt that self-confidence makes or breaks someone.
over the conversations that i've had with ter over drinks, we came to a conclusion that self-confidence is something so inherently powerful - to the point where it can literally change someone's life for the better or worse.
well, i'm having a void of self-confidence. and the thing is, it's not even recent. it just has gotten more noticeable in the recent years, that's all. i remember clearly how my self-confidence crumbled (and i guess, that's how my education route got determined too). it was in primary school. i was used to doing tests and exams but i always lose points to careless mistakes. i recall my mum giving me a lecture on how i shouldn't be so confident, and always check after finishing a paper.
she said, "why is it that you always say the paper was okay but your results don't show it? look at all these careless mistakes! xxx (the name of a person) cried after her paper - but look at what she got! 94 points! and you? 72 points! why are you so confident?"
from then on, i told myself after every paper not to expect so much. when i get questioned about how my paper was, i will always shrug and say, "it wasn't very good." if my results came back with an A, perfect. a pleasant surprise. if I scored a B, i could tell myself, at least i wasn't expecting an A.
little by little, my self-confidence chipped. i stopped being so assertive and alpha too. i became a team player instead of a team leader, because my friends didn't like it when i was leading all the time. they hated it and felt i was bossy.
in secondary school, i took many steps back. no longer volunteering for the role of a leader, but just a simple team player. if i got assigned to doing a certain task, i'll just do it. no more pro-activeness. because, someone was always better than me and can get the job done. i didn't want to bear the burden of pulling the group down.
i guess that's where the pygmalion effect comes into play. no one believed in me, and i didn't believe in myself. everything went downhill from there.
fast forward to today, i'm not in a place where i'm proud of. i still feel ashamed of what i do. i dread meeting friends whom i've never met for years and when catching up and being asked, "so what are you working as now?", i will stumble over my words trying to justify my choice of career. it's not the prettiest, and not the most exciting.
today i just felt like my self-confidence was at a new low. no idea why; maybe my period's fast approaching. i was learning how to play league today, and needless to say - i sucked at it. i sucked at it so bad, that playing 4-5 times with the AI didn't even help me to improve. the number of last-kills i got were at a whopping 31 (my highest). then it made me think back about my driving test. how i scored an immediate failure even though i told myself that the stakes were high and $400 was riding on it. then it led me to think about others who passed it straight off the bat, first time.
then it spiraled to university choices. about how i'm not smart enough to be enrolled in NUS and chose my BATNA of NTU. somehow or rather, things never did seem to go my way. important, life-changing choices anyway. i don't think i've ever shared this with anyone, but my life-changing school choices were always a flop. in primary school, i wanted to go to dunman high, didn't make it, and went to chung cheng instead. in secondary school, i wanted to go to victoria. didn't make it, and went to serangoon jc instead. in jc, i wanted to go to NUS. didn't make it, went to NTU instead. it was just a path that went downhill. choice after choice, failure after failure. watching friends enjoying their uni lives to the fullest while i was stuck in ntu, incredibly salty.
my inferiority complex got worse as the years went by, and i guess right now it's slowly at its breaking point. i have never felt confident enough in anything. i'm not exceptionally good at anything, i'm just mediocre at most things. even after practice.
apart from the lack of self-confidence, i realised over the past one year that i didn't have any grit in me. it took a nasty comment that i heard from the grapevine for me to dawn upon this.
"that girl doesn't have any resilience."
it made me rethink my life choices that i took. did i really choose to get out because i just couldn't take hardship? i initially thought that the reason i left was because it was doing so much harm to me mentally, that i felt horrible everyday. i dreaded going to work, dreaded looking at my phone, dreaded to open my emails. i felt like my entire life revolved around work. my clients were nasty. they were rude. they insulted and reprimanded me like they would to a three year old - and i realised that i could not stay in such a toxic environment anymore. so i left.
but that comment made me think - if others could stay there for years and years, why couldn't i? why couldn't i just suck it up and stay there, then work myself up the ranks? was i going too easy on myself? am i the epitome of the strawberry generation?
there was never an avenue to share my thoughts like these in a while. it feels so angsty. but maybe because it is, and i've been bottling all these feelings inside of me for god knows how long, not knowing how to share those with friends because i think that they wouldn't understand. they are not facing such problems. they are in a different life stage from me. they don't have troubles or worries like that. they aren't mentally weak.
maybe i'm just bashing myself too hard tonight.
i don't know.
but these are my honest thoughts about myself. i never believed that i was a good friend, or a good anything. because i don't have much to offer.
Situated in the sunny island of Singapore, Jolene recently (is 2 years considered recent?) graduated from university and is now working in a job she never expected herself to hold. Besides having frequent quarter-life crises, she also indulges in video games, anime, and aesthetic korean girls documenting their life in vlogs.
Although not as eloquent with words, she still aims to try her best to bring across her thoughts to the Internet.
