i guess somehow or rather, i just kind of forgot this space existed. also, i started to become a little bit more careful about what i write on the internet since there's always a way for people to trace and read what i've written. but i guess tonight is kind of a special night - im feeling introspective for no reason at all (tbh i think it's my period that's talking), and decided that today is a good day for me to pen down my thoughts.
i've been feeling a bit muddled for the longest of times. thoughts have been swirling in my head but i just can't seem to get it out right. being articulate in this day and age is tough, since everything that i produce is either through conversation, text, or emails. email and text lingo are completely different from a prose, so i guess this little part of my brain hasn't been able to exercise for quite a while.
today's coincidentally national day - so happy 58th birthday singapore - but i guess it's also the last day of an era. there has been quite a few changes since my last blog post, seeing that the previous one was in 2021. and of course 2 years bring about big changes - most notably, my career. i'm in a different company now, surrounded by a different group of people, and i really, really, love my job. but it's the end of an era as i will be reluctantly handing over my responsibilities to a new hire tomorrow, because i will be moving to a different team. it's bittersweet, really.
i am not sure why this change has made quite a stir in me. to some it may just be a mere task of handing things over, changing a team, and starting a new role. but perhaps it's because of how this boss is my best boss i've ever had in my life, hands down, or the comfort of my seat and table mates (i've moved since three days ago and the fengshui just doesn't feel quite right), or the fear of the new responsibilities that i have once i've officially accepted the new role. it could very well be the fear talking, because the act of me handing over my responsibilities means that the new responsibilities that i have will be waiting for me just round the corner. and it frightens me. it frightens me to my core because this is the first time i will be taking up such a role and frankly i am not sure if i am fit for it.
do i lack in capability? objectively, i do not think so. but self doubt is very very real. and maybe because deep down, i know that luck played a huge part in this change.
i guess when you're 26, your career becomes a huge part of your identity. whenever you meet old friends and catch up over dinner, work just pops up as one of the few topics that you chat about. and somehow, in singapore's society, it unwittingly becomes something that you compare yourself to. i remember in the past whenever this dreaded topic comes up, i shy away from talking about myself and try to get the other party to talk more about their side of the story as i feel embarrassed about what i was doing. and even right now, i don't quite know how to share about what i do and how i am doing.
why am i writing about all these? to make myself feel better about the daunting change that kickstarts bright and early tomorrow, to attempt to clear my mind of doubts and uncertainties, to verbalise my worries in a bid to reassure myself that in the end, everything is going to be okay. and i haven't felt the certainty of an 'okay' in a while. sometimes i feel difficult talking about all these to someone, be it my partner or my friends - because i do feel selfish in a twisted way that i am sharing my worries about nothing (champagne problems?) and somehow, it would appear as a burden.
do i feel better now at 11.54pm now that i've written out what my brain is occupied with this evening? no, not really. but i do feel that i may be able to reap the benefits subsequently, however long that may be, by articulating and speaking to the void.
goodnight world and thank you for reading my thought vomit. may tomorrow be a great day and bring reassurance <3
i guess somehow or rather, i just kind of forgot this space existed. also, i started to become a little bit more careful about what i write on the internet since there's always a way for people to trace and read what i've written. but i guess tonight is kind of a special night - im feeling introspective for no reason at all (tbh i think it's my period that's talking), and decided that today is a good day for me to pen down my thoughts.
i've been feeling a bit muddled for the longest of times. thoughts have been swirling in my head but i just can't seem to get it out right. being articulate in this day and age is tough, since everything that i produce is either through conversation, text, or emails. email and text lingo are completely different from a prose, so i guess this little part of my brain hasn't been able to exercise for quite a while.
today's coincidentally national day - so happy 58th birthday singapore - but i guess it's also the last day of an era. there has been quite a few changes since my last blog post, seeing that the previous one was in 2021. and of course 2 years bring about big changes - most notably, my career. i'm in a different company now, surrounded by a different group of people, and i really, really, love my job. but it's the end of an era as i will be reluctantly handing over my responsibilities to a new hire tomorrow, because i will be moving to a different team. it's bittersweet, really.
i am not sure why this change has made quite a stir in me. to some it may just be a mere task of handing things over, changing a team, and starting a new role. but perhaps it's because of how this boss is my best boss i've ever had in my life, hands down, or the comfort of my seat and table mates (i've moved since three days ago and the fengshui just doesn't feel quite right), or the fear of the new responsibilities that i have once i've officially accepted the new role. it could very well be the fear talking, because the act of me handing over my responsibilities means that the new responsibilities that i have will be waiting for me just round the corner. and it frightens me. it frightens me to my core because this is the first time i will be taking up such a role and frankly i am not sure if i am fit for it.
do i lack in capability? objectively, i do not think so. but self doubt is very very real. and maybe because deep down, i know that luck played a huge part in this change.
i guess when you're 26, your career becomes a huge part of your identity. whenever you meet old friends and catch up over dinner, work just pops up as one of the few topics that you chat about. and somehow, in singapore's society, it unwittingly becomes something that you compare yourself to. i remember in the past whenever this dreaded topic comes up, i shy away from talking about myself and try to get the other party to talk more about their side of the story as i feel embarrassed about what i was doing. and even right now, i don't quite know how to share about what i do and how i am doing.
why am i writing about all these? to make myself feel better about the daunting change that kickstarts bright and early tomorrow, to attempt to clear my mind of doubts and uncertainties, to verbalise my worries in a bid to reassure myself that in the end, everything is going to be okay. and i haven't felt the certainty of an 'okay' in a while. sometimes i feel difficult talking about all these to someone, be it my partner or my friends - because i do feel selfish in a twisted way that i am sharing my worries about nothing (champagne problems?) and somehow, it would appear as a burden.
do i feel better now at 11.54pm now that i've written out what my brain is occupied with this evening? no, not really. but i do feel that i may be able to reap the benefits subsequently, however long that may be, by articulating and speaking to the void.
goodnight world and thank you for reading my thought vomit. may tomorrow be a great day and bring reassurance <3
Situated in the sunny island of Singapore, Jolene recently (is 2 years considered recent?) graduated from university and is now working in a job she never expected herself to hold. Besides having frequent quarter-life crises, she also indulges in video games, anime, and aesthetic korean girls documenting their life in vlogs.
Although not as eloquent with words, she still aims to try her best to bring across her thoughts to the Internet.
