i guess somehow or rather, i just kind of forgot this space existed. also, i started to become a little bit more careful about what i write on the internet since there's always a way for people to trace and read what i've written. but i guess tonight is kind of a special night - im feeling introspective for no reason at all (tbh i think it's my period that's talking), and decided that today is a good day for me to pen down my thoughts.
i've been feeling a bit muddled for the longest of times. thoughts have been swirling in my head but i just can't seem to get it out right. being articulate in this day and age is tough, since everything that i produce is either through conversation, text, or emails. email and text lingo are completely different from a prose, so i guess this little part of my brain hasn't been able to exercise for quite a while.
today's coincidentally national day - so happy 58th birthday singapore - but i guess it's also the last day of an era. there has been quite a few changes since my last blog post, seeing that the previous one was in 2021. and of course 2 years bring about big changes - most notably, my career. i'm in a different company now, surrounded by a different group of people, and i really, really, love my job. but it's the end of an era as i will be reluctantly handing over my responsibilities to a new hire tomorrow, because i will be moving to a different team. it's bittersweet, really.
i am not sure why this change has made quite a stir in me. to some it may just be a mere task of handing things over, changing a team, and starting a new role. but perhaps it's because of how this boss is my best boss i've ever had in my life, hands down, or the comfort of my seat and table mates (i've moved since three days ago and the fengshui just doesn't feel quite right), or the fear of the new responsibilities that i have once i've officially accepted the new role. it could very well be the fear talking, because the act of me handing over my responsibilities means that the new responsibilities that i have will be waiting for me just round the corner. and it frightens me. it frightens me to my core because this is the first time i will be taking up such a role and frankly i am not sure if i am fit for it.
do i lack in capability? objectively, i do not think so. but self doubt is very very real. and maybe because deep down, i know that luck played a huge part in this change.
i guess when you're 26, your career becomes a huge part of your identity. whenever you meet old friends and catch up over dinner, work just pops up as one of the few topics that you chat about. and somehow, in singapore's society, it unwittingly becomes something that you compare yourself to. i remember in the past whenever this dreaded topic comes up, i shy away from talking about myself and try to get the other party to talk more about their side of the story as i feel embarrassed about what i was doing. and even right now, i don't quite know how to share about what i do and how i am doing.
why am i writing about all these? to make myself feel better about the daunting change that kickstarts bright and early tomorrow, to attempt to clear my mind of doubts and uncertainties, to verbalise my worries in a bid to reassure myself that in the end, everything is going to be okay. and i haven't felt the certainty of an 'okay' in a while. sometimes i feel difficult talking about all these to someone, be it my partner or my friends - because i do feel selfish in a twisted way that i am sharing my worries about nothing (champagne problems?) and somehow, it would appear as a burden.
do i feel better now at 11.54pm now that i've written out what my brain is occupied with this evening? no, not really. but i do feel that i may be able to reap the benefits subsequently, however long that may be, by articulating and speaking to the void.
goodnight world and thank you for reading my thought vomit. may tomorrow be a great day and bring reassurance <3
if you haven't heard about it, you must be living under a rock.
the legend is back with a rerecorded version of her red album, and damn, is that 10 min track banging.
all of a sudden i find myself transported back to the time when i was jamming out to her songs all week and through multiple months and years, in my bedroom, bathroom and in teo heng. listening to her past hits just made the lyrics flow - i don't know how and i don't know why, but the way she has with words and lyrics is just *chef's kiss* and honestly, a work of art.
in this album of hers, she has released some previously unreleased tracks and i find myself falling in love with how skillful she is yet again. personal favourites of mine are, obviously,
all too well (10 min version)
message in a bottle
state of grace
red
22
because who can leave out the hit songs?????
and personal favourite lines,
we're dancin' 'round the kitchen in the refrigerator light
you kept me like a secret but i kept you like an oath
so casually cruel in the name of being honest
but i'm in a new hell / every time you double-cross my mind
'cause there we are again when i loved you so / back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known
loving him is like driving a new maserati down the dead-end street / faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ending so suddenly
and i've loved in shades of wrong
and what do you do when the one who means the most to you / is the one who didn't show?
does it make you feel sad / that the love that you're lookin' for / is the love that you had?
Taylor Swift released her album (Fearless (Taylor's Version)) and I spent the whole of yesterday and today listening to it. Her lyrics brought me back to those times, and I got a little bit too nostalgic so I switched it up to Smooth Jazz and I'm bopping to Chasing the Dream right now.
This week was a little lonely, not going to lie. It's not that I always had social meetings and gatherings, but it was unusual to eat dinner at home 6 out of 7 days of the week. I did go to Dhoby Ghaut on Wednesday for dinner, but that was it. No other meet ups, no other friends to text and ask them out. Jiayi's busy over the weekend (we started having this Japanese-Revision-Sundays), and Terence is hanging out with his girlfriend.
No biggie, I told myself.
I treated myself to a 12.5h long sleep, initially meant as a quick nap but quickly escalated into a deep slumber as I snoozed from 7.30pm all the way till 8am this morning. I did get waken up at 8-ish by my mum, asking if I wanted to eat dinner. I managed a no before turning my back on her and falling back to sleep. As I spent my waking hours after that, I quickly found myself being unable to keep myself sufficiently occupied. The anime that I was watching - Horimiya - has ended as quickly as I started, and there are no good Youtube videos for me to watch that's pending in my Subscription list anymore. I did a quick browse through on Linkedin, then came to a sobering realisation that it's been a little bit too toxic and discouraging over there, so I closed the tab and went to listen to Taylor Swift.
This week is such a bore. And so is the next. I'm not quite sure what I want to do with my social life anymore. It's almost non-existent and I have realised just how hard it is to maintain it. It's like, I'm always so depleted of energy that sending a text to ask someone out (especially if I haven't met him or her for ages) would take so much out of me. By the time my friend replies, I no longer have the energy to continue the conversation.
Having a close group of friends drift apart from me also made me question myself if it was my fault that it happened. No it isn't, a small voice would remind me before I spiral into a whole abyss of what-ifs. At the ripe of old age of 23 (going on 24), the troubles that I have are abound. Friendship, work, money, housing, family... All of them are just circling in my mind. On some days, family takes the lot. On others, work fills up my mind so much that I even dream about it. If I were to ask myself when I was in my final year of Uni what I see myself doing in 2 years, she would have never dreamt that it would have ended up this way. I'm not sure if my past self can be proud of me. Have I come far? Was my studying all for naught? Was I really that shit with maintaining friendships that I could lose my once-closest friends? Year by year, my social circle seems to shrink but my worries just keeps expanding.
Stop comparing yourself to others and be grateful for what you have, the other small voice would remind me. Yeah yeah, I know, I would tell that small voice and proceed to swat it away. Figuratively, of course.
ushering the new year with taylor's album evermore! listening to the songs with the lyrics help you appreciate them so much more. her craft in songwriting - wow - how does she manage to weave all those words into a perfect melody, bringing across the meaning behind the songs so perfectly; painting the scenes of love, lies and betrayal?
i can only admire in awe.
i've lost my touch with writing (if i ever had one to begin with) and now i find it tough to find words that can accurately represent my thoughts.
i guess somehow or rather, i just kind of forgot this space existed. also, i started to become a little bit more careful about what i write on the internet since there's always a way for people to trace and read what i've written. but i guess tonight is kind of a special night - im feeling introspective for no reason at all (tbh i think it's my period that's talking), and decided that today is a good day for me to pen down my thoughts.
i've been feeling a bit muddled for the longest of times. thoughts have been swirling in my head but i just can't seem to get it out right. being articulate in this day and age is tough, since everything that i produce is either through conversation, text, or emails. email and text lingo are completely different from a prose, so i guess this little part of my brain hasn't been able to exercise for quite a while.
today's coincidentally national day - so happy 58th birthday singapore - but i guess it's also the last day of an era. there has been quite a few changes since my last blog post, seeing that the previous one was in 2021. and of course 2 years bring about big changes - most notably, my career. i'm in a different company now, surrounded by a different group of people, and i really, really, love my job. but it's the end of an era as i will be reluctantly handing over my responsibilities to a new hire tomorrow, because i will be moving to a different team. it's bittersweet, really.
i am not sure why this change has made quite a stir in me. to some it may just be a mere task of handing things over, changing a team, and starting a new role. but perhaps it's because of how this boss is my best boss i've ever had in my life, hands down, or the comfort of my seat and table mates (i've moved since three days ago and the fengshui just doesn't feel quite right), or the fear of the new responsibilities that i have once i've officially accepted the new role. it could very well be the fear talking, because the act of me handing over my responsibilities means that the new responsibilities that i have will be waiting for me just round the corner. and it frightens me. it frightens me to my core because this is the first time i will be taking up such a role and frankly i am not sure if i am fit for it.
do i lack in capability? objectively, i do not think so. but self doubt is very very real. and maybe because deep down, i know that luck played a huge part in this change.
i guess when you're 26, your career becomes a huge part of your identity. whenever you meet old friends and catch up over dinner, work just pops up as one of the few topics that you chat about. and somehow, in singapore's society, it unwittingly becomes something that you compare yourself to. i remember in the past whenever this dreaded topic comes up, i shy away from talking about myself and try to get the other party to talk more about their side of the story as i feel embarrassed about what i was doing. and even right now, i don't quite know how to share about what i do and how i am doing.
why am i writing about all these? to make myself feel better about the daunting change that kickstarts bright and early tomorrow, to attempt to clear my mind of doubts and uncertainties, to verbalise my worries in a bid to reassure myself that in the end, everything is going to be okay. and i haven't felt the certainty of an 'okay' in a while. sometimes i feel difficult talking about all these to someone, be it my partner or my friends - because i do feel selfish in a twisted way that i am sharing my worries about nothing (champagne problems?) and somehow, it would appear as a burden.
do i feel better now at 11.54pm now that i've written out what my brain is occupied with this evening? no, not really. but i do feel that i may be able to reap the benefits subsequently, however long that may be, by articulating and speaking to the void.
goodnight world and thank you for reading my thought vomit. may tomorrow be a great day and bring reassurance <3
if you haven't heard about it, you must be living under a rock.
the legend is back with a rerecorded version of her red album, and damn, is that 10 min track banging.
all of a sudden i find myself transported back to the time when i was jamming out to her songs all week and through multiple months and years, in my bedroom, bathroom and in teo heng. listening to her past hits just made the lyrics flow - i don't know how and i don't know why, but the way she has with words and lyrics is just *chef's kiss* and honestly, a work of art.
in this album of hers, she has released some previously unreleased tracks and i find myself falling in love with how skillful she is yet again. personal favourites of mine are, obviously,
all too well (10 min version)
message in a bottle
state of grace
red
22
because who can leave out the hit songs?????
and personal favourite lines,
we're dancin' 'round the kitchen in the refrigerator light
you kept me like a secret but i kept you like an oath
so casually cruel in the name of being honest
but i'm in a new hell / every time you double-cross my mind
'cause there we are again when i loved you so / back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known
loving him is like driving a new maserati down the dead-end street / faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ending so suddenly
and i've loved in shades of wrong
and what do you do when the one who means the most to you / is the one who didn't show?
does it make you feel sad / that the love that you're lookin' for / is the love that you had?
Taylor Swift released her album (Fearless (Taylor's Version)) and I spent the whole of yesterday and today listening to it. Her lyrics brought me back to those times, and I got a little bit too nostalgic so I switched it up to Smooth Jazz and I'm bopping to Chasing the Dream right now.
This week was a little lonely, not going to lie. It's not that I always had social meetings and gatherings, but it was unusual to eat dinner at home 6 out of 7 days of the week. I did go to Dhoby Ghaut on Wednesday for dinner, but that was it. No other meet ups, no other friends to text and ask them out. Jiayi's busy over the weekend (we started having this Japanese-Revision-Sundays), and Terence is hanging out with his girlfriend.
No biggie, I told myself.
I treated myself to a 12.5h long sleep, initially meant as a quick nap but quickly escalated into a deep slumber as I snoozed from 7.30pm all the way till 8am this morning. I did get waken up at 8-ish by my mum, asking if I wanted to eat dinner. I managed a no before turning my back on her and falling back to sleep. As I spent my waking hours after that, I quickly found myself being unable to keep myself sufficiently occupied. The anime that I was watching - Horimiya - has ended as quickly as I started, and there are no good Youtube videos for me to watch that's pending in my Subscription list anymore. I did a quick browse through on Linkedin, then came to a sobering realisation that it's been a little bit too toxic and discouraging over there, so I closed the tab and went to listen to Taylor Swift.
This week is such a bore. And so is the next. I'm not quite sure what I want to do with my social life anymore. It's almost non-existent and I have realised just how hard it is to maintain it. It's like, I'm always so depleted of energy that sending a text to ask someone out (especially if I haven't met him or her for ages) would take so much out of me. By the time my friend replies, I no longer have the energy to continue the conversation.
Having a close group of friends drift apart from me also made me question myself if it was my fault that it happened. No it isn't, a small voice would remind me before I spiral into a whole abyss of what-ifs. At the ripe of old age of 23 (going on 24), the troubles that I have are abound. Friendship, work, money, housing, family... All of them are just circling in my mind. On some days, family takes the lot. On others, work fills up my mind so much that I even dream about it. If I were to ask myself when I was in my final year of Uni what I see myself doing in 2 years, she would have never dreamt that it would have ended up this way. I'm not sure if my past self can be proud of me. Have I come far? Was my studying all for naught? Was I really that shit with maintaining friendships that I could lose my once-closest friends? Year by year, my social circle seems to shrink but my worries just keeps expanding.
Stop comparing yourself to others and be grateful for what you have, the other small voice would remind me. Yeah yeah, I know, I would tell that small voice and proceed to swat it away. Figuratively, of course.
ushering the new year with taylor's album evermore! listening to the songs with the lyrics help you appreciate them so much more. her craft in songwriting - wow - how does she manage to weave all those words into a perfect melody, bringing across the meaning behind the songs so perfectly; painting the scenes of love, lies and betrayal?
i can only admire in awe.
i've lost my touch with writing (if i ever had one to begin with) and now i find it tough to find words that can accurately represent my thoughts.
Situated in the sunny island of Singapore, Jolene recently (is 2 years considered recent?) graduated from university and is now working in a job she never expected herself to hold. Besides having frequent quarter-life crises, she also indulges in video games, anime, and aesthetic korean girls documenting their life in vlogs.
Although not as eloquent with words, she still aims to try her best to bring across her thoughts to the Internet.
